Kaname Kuran: A Hanabusa Aidou Report
by Kizee
Summary: Hanabusa's class report on his favorite subject ever.


**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Vampire Knight. Duh. And I do not own… Chuck Norris Jokes…**

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Hanabusa Aidou slid his chair back and stood up. He cleared his throat a few times before ruffling the paper he had spent hours writing in front of his face.

"KKJ, A paper written by Hanabusa Aidou," he began.

"Kaname-sama can start a fire by rubbing to ice cubes together.

Kaname-sama can beat the sun at a staring contest.

Kaname-sama once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Kaname-sama doesn't need an email or a cell phone. He communicates through pain.

Ghosts are actually caused by Kaname-sama killing people faster than Death can process them.

Last page of Guinness World Records notes in large asterisk: 'Kaname Kuran actually holds all records.'

The easiest way to determine Kaname-sama's age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

Kaname-sama frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Kaname-sama flosses with barbed wire.

Kaname-sama doesn't know where you live, but he knows where you'll die.

When God and Satan play a game of football, Kaname-sama is the field they play upon.

Kaname-sama bites the hand that feeds him, and then eats their entrails.

Kaname-sama can lick his elbow and rhyme with orange at the same time.

When Kaname-sama eats airplane food, it tastes good.

If you know someone who doesn't like Kaname-sama, you won't know him for long.

Kaname-sama died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Water boils faster when Kaname-sama watches it,

Kaname-sama once had a date with Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles eternally.

The only thing Kaname Kuran and Zero Kiryu agree on is that Kanye West is indeed a jackass.

Kaname-sama eats coal and poops diamonds.

Kaname-sama can gargle peanut butter.

Kaname-sama isn't God, but he beats him in golf.

Kaname-sama counted to infinity. Twice!

Kaname-sama once thought he was between a rock and a hard place. He realized he was in between two mirrors.

Pictures of Kaname Kuran are worth 2,000 words.

In a fight with Kaname Kuran there are always two hits. He hits you, and you hit the floor.

Kaname-sama doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says 'Now.'

There is no 'Ctrl' on Kaname Kuran's computer. Kaname Kuran IS in control.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Kaname Kuran's first visit to Tokyo.

The chief export of Kaname-sama is pain.

The following is a short list of what Kaname Kuran cannot do: …

Kaname Kuran has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

Kaname-sama likes to play racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Kaname Kuran remembers the Alamo, and he isn't happy about it.

Kaname-sama uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Zero Kiryu's neck tattoo and Kaname Kuran's boot share the same pattern. Coincidence?"

The Night Class classroom was silent for a very, very long time. Hanabusa handed his color-coded, picture included paper to Yagari Toga.

Toga examined the paper in disbelief. Hanabusa's wide grin showed how pleased he was with his work as he skipped back to his seat.

"Aidou…" Yagari flipped the page, "How, exactly, does this relate to your opinion of Global Warming?"

"…."

Snickers and scoffs filled the silent room of the classroom, a flood of energy in a half dead (literally) classroom. Kaname shut his book and stood up. All eyes were on him, waiting to see what form of retribution would befall upon Hanabusa's chipper spirit.

Instead, Kaname Kuran simply walked out of the room. Seiren held the door open for him as he placed his paper on Toga's desk. Before he set a foot out the door, Kaname halted. Not one vampire eye flicked away from him. "Aidou…"

A gulp.

"Yes, Kaname-sama?"

"Come see me in my room later."

"… Yes, Kaname-sama…"

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Later Hanabusa entered Kaname's room (after knocking and getting the 'come in'). Kaname was sitting on his coach with none other than… Chuck Norris.

"Eh?" Aidou took a defensive, cowardly step backwards.

"Aidou," Kaname said.

"Y-yes?"

"We're curious," Chuck Norris boomed, "Who do YOU think would when in a fight between the two of us?"

Hanabusa Aidou never answered that question. Instead he blacked out and fainted.

**"The question is not simply 'Who would win?' but rather 'How much of the world would be remaining when they were done fighting?'**

THE END!

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Reviews, as always, are loved! :3


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